Who are you? Who am I?

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Who am I? At this exact moment I’m a writer sitting in front of my computer trying to coax words out of my brain to be formed into some semblance of intelligent thought. How am I doing so far? In a little while I’m going to be ensconced on my balcony with my ear buds in, totally immersed in an audiobook. In the same manner in which I used to lose myself in the pages of a paperback I now am able to lose myself in the voice of an actor performing an intriguing story. Then I will be a reader.

When I was working, I had a persona that I would put on every morning. Professional, calm and focused. I had a job to do. And for the most part I did it very well. I don’t want to brag and say I was perfect because, well, you know, that is so not me. Perfection is something to aspire to, not brag about.

I consider myself an accomplished and confident woman. I wasn’t always. And I still have those moments when I’m not. As a child I was terrified of everything. I had no self-confidence, I thought I was ugly and stupid. Maybe all children go through that phase. And how sad it is. But I was none of those things, I just didn’t know it. I didn’t know who I was or who I could be but over the many years I learned. I read about people I admired, I read about situations that I might one day be in and how to handle them. I would go to parties with pertinent topics to speak about intelligently because I had done the research, just in case somebody asked. I made me who I am today.

But I didn’t do it alone. Family and friends helped to mould me, to support me. Teachers and schoolmates, strangers on the street helped make me who I am today. Every interaction I’ve ever had with someone has left a mark as I have left a mark on them. Hopefully a positive one. But everything we do has consequences. If you smile at a stranger then perhaps they will smile at another stranger and the domino effect is born. Heady stuff I know but we are all interconnected. And that makes us all brothers and sisters.

Some days I am brilliant but some days I’m also that small child that was terrified of the air.  And at my core?  I still believe in who I am, right now.

 

The Most Wonderful Year Of My Life

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Never before did I have the time,

To notice the beauty in front of me.

There’s a tang in the air that I never smelled before,

I think there is much I have missed.

 

I notice the air and the sunsets that fall,

I notice the rain on the window.

I see a smile on the face of a stranger,

I noticed the scowls as well.

 

The skin of my lover is fresher than dew,

It feels like satin or silk.

I hear sweet songs in the voice of the birds,

And the heady aroma of life.

 

But I spent my time in dogged pursuit,

Of that life that I seem to have missed.

So now is the time to do all that I can,

To live in the here and now.

 

The world is in focus with a brightness this day,

Why did I not see it before?

Now I will live each day as my last,

Knowing that soon it will be.

Limitations

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This is a blast from my past. September 2015 to be exact. There are too many posts rolling around in my head and none have yet coalesced, so I thought I would treat you to an old one. If you have read it before, I hope you are not offended, if it is new, I hope you enjoy it.

 

I don’t recall the number of times I have been told to ‘take it easy’ or ‘know your limitations’. These are words spoken by people who care for me and for my welfare. I don’t explain to them that limits are restrictive and negative. Yes, it is important to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses and to take them into account when you are doing anything. However. Isn’t there always a ‘however’? However, I believe that if we put too much emphasis on our limitations, we will indeed live down to them. If we are merely aware of them and occasionally ‘push the envelope’ then we stand a much better chance of living a full and productive life. There are those near me (not too near) who believe I should not strive as hard as I do or hope as much as I do because I am setting myself up for failure. I counter that if I do as they think then I am ensuring myself of a failure. I prefer to reach for the stars with my feet firmly planted on the ground. So, to speak.

Speaking of failure, why is it considered to be so bad? Every journey is a learning experience and failure is part of the path. As children we are taught to embrace our failures and to examine them. We learn from our failures. Easy successes are nice but they do not give us the knowledge to deal with the disappointments we will encounter in our lives. Failures keep us humble and allow us to fully appreciate our successes. Living is messy and painful but it is also joyous and wonderful. Just because we have a few speed bumps in the way is no reason to turn back. Life is forward and waiting for us. Let’s give it a shot.