Have you ever felt so angry that you couldn’t see properly, couldn’t think? Have you ever felt, momentarily, out of control? I bet you have. I have. It is not something I am proud of. I think I am more afraid of those feelings than anything. I can now appreciate how people can lose control when they have feelings of rage.
Rage is an emotion that robs you of any sense of propriety. When it is referred to as blind rage it is exactly that, blind. Fortunately I do not experience it often and it only lasts for a few seconds. I dropped the top to my toothpaste the other day and for a split second I wanted to hurl the toothbrush, paste and drinking glass across the room. I wanted to stand up and smash the bathroom mirror with my bare hands, I wanted to crush any trace of glass to smithereens. I wanted to scream like a banshee.
I am not, by nature, a violent person. I do not blame anyone for my disease. I am not looking for vengeance for anything. Actually I am usually a very positive and upbeat person. But when these moments of rage hit, I am not myself. If these episodes lasted longer than a few seconds then I could understand ‘road rage’ or some of the shooting rampages that people go on. It is very frightening. I don’t really understand what is happening. What I do know is that these episodes are a part of me. I will not deny them. I will not fully embrace them either. There will always be some aspects of ourselves that we do not like. Those dark sides are in all of us. We would not have the strength of character that we do enjoy without both sides. There can be no light without dark. We just have to acknowledge our darker side and ensure that it does not control us.