This moment, today, right now is a very good day. I say that as if it is important because it is. I have been feeling somewhat less than wonderful for the last few weeks and today I feel great. It is difficult to explain to people how you never know what a day will hold until you are in the midst of it and even then things can change. When you have an itty, bitty incurable disease it is difficult to make plans too far in advance. You never know how you will feel in advance. A storm brewing could give me a headache which makes me weaker, which means. . . you get the idea. A small problem to most people can be quality of life threatening to me. And how do you explain to people something they have never experienced. It is like a sighted person explaining the colour yellow to someone who has never had sight.
Demons, we all have them. They are in our dreams where we are vulnerable; they are in our subconscious where they second guess our decisions. Demons are real and they live in each of us. Demons on TV are usually defeated by strength and determination. We live in the real world and our demons are undermining our determination each and every day. Controlling my demons is definitely a priority on my list.
The first step is to rid yourself of any negativity around you. If you have people near you who only see your faults, politely ask them, no tell them, to take a hike. Having a disability is hard enough without someone else telling you that you are going to fail. I know I occasionally need to be told I am doing the right thing by not giving in. I need to know that my family and friends are in my corner. I couldn’t do it without them. I am lucky there, incredibly lucky. No my demons are internal. I second guess myself; I question whether or not I am right. Is this book good enough? Will people like me for me? I guess in so many ways I am my own worst enemy. It is hard for me to believe that what I have to say will be of interest to another. It is difficult for me to believe that I am good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough. You see what I mean? I am always afraid that I will take more than my share or that which I am not entitled to, so I often take less than I should. I am afraid of another’s perception. It is not enough to do what is right, it is also important to be perceived as doing what is right. Sometimes it is difficult to convince myself that I am doing what I should. BUT DAMN IT I AM CUTE!