I Am Not Where I Wanted To Be

When I was four I wanted to be a ballerina. My parents had a beautiful mirror that depicted two ballet dancers in mid pose. The male was supporting the female who was standing ‘en point’ with one leg out of sight behind her. They were in relief in the middle of this large ornate, silver mirror. I was memorized by the hidden leg.

When I was nine I wanted to be a veterinarian. I loved animals and I wanted to help them, care for them. But there is another side to the job that is necessary and it involves pain and death. Nope.

Airline Pilot: nice uniform, nasty passengers                                                                             Professional Dancer: two left feet

Then I walked the boards of a school Christmas play. I had one line: “Pearls of great price to him we adorn, is the worship of each lowly one.” I wore my Mother’s terry cloth bathrobe and a towel over my head. I was hooked. I was also 11 years old.

Scoot forward several years. In High School I was in several plays that won awards. I got to perform on a professional stage, with the High School, several times. I enrolled in a University with a well-respected theatre department. And I continued to shine. Learning lines was easy, blocking (movements on stage) was almost instinctive. This was my element. This was also within a controlled environment. Graduation is one hell of a wake up call.

I went on auditions and got several jobs. Walk on and bit parts. I was there to react to the ‘real’ actors. I did meet a very few: Martin Short, John Candy. Most of the time was spent far away from the principles and waiting and waiting and waiting and . . . You get the picture.

I was never good at selling myself – problem one. I did not meet the criteria for the current fashionable young female actor: blond, pert, skinny and um, not bright. I was a real red-head, not skinny and intelligent (although I learn to play dumb quite well).

But a girl’s got to eat and I craved independence. I got a real job. And then I discovered I had Multiple Sclerosis. Perspectives change.

There was an adjustment period to my new reality but also new beginnings. My Mother told me I was in charge and the choice was mine: give in and spend a life wallowing in my self-pity or live. Find a life or make one. And I did!

I am not where I thought I wanted to be. I’m somewhere better.

35 thoughts on “I Am Not Where I Wanted To Be

  1. Murphy's Law

    What a heartwarming glimpse of what makes you YOU. Your younger self was knock-out gorgeous. And you still carry that beauty today. More importantly, you’ve never lost your inner drive to achieve and be as independent as possible against daunting odds.

    Your mom gave you wise advice, and you listened!! Your writing, your paintings, your poems, your incredible sense of humor, your decision to become a blogger…..all of us who follow you benefit every day from reading your posts.

    Did you ever think that one day you would matter in the lives of so many people? I’d say you’ve accomplished a lot. Can’t wait to see what else is up your sleeve! You are definitely somewhere better because where you are is where your heart is.

    And you met John Candy!!!
    🔹 Ginger 🔹

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  2. scifihammy

    When I read your title – I thought your last line. 🙂
    At least you pursued your dream job for a while and I love your portfolio photo.
    I’m sorry you got MS, but you are an inspiration to us all in that you did not let it hold you back for one moment. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      And I remind myself that if had not gotten MS I would not have stopped working, which led to my writing, which led to my blogging, which led to . . . I am a better person in a better place because I got MS.

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  3. dweezer19

    Wow, Pam. You had some rich experiences. I feel the hopes and dreams in your words and empathize. I dreamed of being a ballerina too. Now that I am o,der and know what they go through so often with diets, discipline and depravation, I know someone steered me in a different direction. Your mother was so right and look how wonderful you are. It saddens me to think of the pain you have suffered but I feel so blessed to have met you here. I also wanted to be a gymnast. Again…more discipline and less conteol over one’s life. That would have so disappointed me. There is such freedom in self expression, don’t you think? Hugs! PS. Movie people are so fickle. My son is in film and is waiting..and waiting..sigh.

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  4. dweezer19

    Thanks, Pam. He works in locations at this point. We, as parents, tried to help him with his dream and got him through film school, never realizing that that history would actually prove a road block for him in many ways. He perseveres and has worked on some great films lately. His last work was on the Infinity Wars film but he and a few others’ names were inadvertently left out of the credits, much to his dismay. I have a nice shelf lined with all the little films he worked on so far, many of them After Dark productions. My favorite thing though is a small B horror film we both worked on briefly for the reshoot, called ReKill. I was the contact lens tech on it for the young girl star and both of our names appear in the credits together. 😀’Mom’ moments come in many varieties. Never stop writing. It is something you are so wonderful at. Hugs!

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  5. quiall Post author

    Second City was a program up here in Canada I don’t know if it was exported to the US. There were a few B movies and a couple of series that never made it out of Canada. But my favourite was that bit with Martin Short on Second City. It’s also known as a SCTV.

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  6. Anthony Farrier

    This is an offer for a book on natural healing of MS, not cures mind you, but it is a very good read.
    I’m not just someone trying to make a quick buck, I myself suffer from MS, and have only been on medication for a year and a half out of 4 years being diagnosed, and began looking for solutions in the natural realm of things.
    I actually work fire rescue/ems, so keeping myself in healthy working condition is difficult, lol near impossible, but I do ok.
    http://bit.ly/MSersMustRead

    Liked by 1 person

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