In my head I wanted to get away but I never thought I would make it to the hospital. That is the explanation for why I have been quiet the last few days. No it is not COVID-19! It’s a simple infection that got out of hand and I am paying the price. Lots of drugs and lots of care and I should be back in no time.
Unfortunately I had no access to the Wi-Fi so I was unable to let you know what was going on. For that I apologize. Usually I post a weeks worth of posts on Sunday and this time I thought oh no problem I’ll do it on Monday morning. What was that line about famous last words?
So I won’t be posting for a while.
I will try to read what blogs I can but my access will probably be down for a while.
Think good thoughts and smile until it hurts. And then laugh like nobody’s watching.
We have all had those moments that are a little, well, awkward. Sometimes they are funny moments, even endearing. Sometimes you want the world to end to hide your shame. When I think of that word, I always think of an incident involving a stage, an audience and a pair of fishnet stockings. I jest not.
Before you get too far down that rabbit hole, let me explain. It was part of an avant-garde play I was doing in University. The majority of the characters spent their time hiding behind wooden boxes and would jump up and sit on a box to say their lines and then hide again. Think of a Jack-in-the-box. Seems simple enough. Hahaha. Anyone who has ever worn a pair of fishnet stockings knows that they are tough, steel tough. My costume was simple but those fishnet stockings tripped me up quite badly. They got stuck on a nail that someone had forgotten to remove from the wood box. Whatever the stockings were made from wouldn’t rip. So, I missed my cue to retreat behind the box, more than once. It took me several minutes to work the nail loose so that I could retreat. I don’t think the audience noticed but my cast mates did. I took a little ribbing after that.
I’m not going to regale you with my many moments of awkwardness over the last 60 years because, well, this post is not that long. But it could be! I’ve been on stage, forgotten my lines and had to improvise. I’ve been on a date when I forgot my date’s name. Now that was awkward! It’s OK I figured it out before he noticed. There wasn’t a second date.
Then there was the time I was visiting a friend’s cottage. There must have been 10 or 15 people in the room when I inadvertently bumped into a floor lamp as I was about to sit down. A noisy room for some reason went eerily silent as I turned to the floor lamp and apologized. It did not go unnoticed. Welcome to my world.
Someone once said to me that you can judge the integrity of an individual by how well they handle knotted Christmas lights. When you think about it, that is quite wise. I have seen the frustration, the anger that often arises. I have also known people to simply buy new ones rather than face the daunting chore of unravelling of last year’s.
I am not the first person to have to deal with an awkward situation nor will I be the last. But aren’t they just moments in our lives to be lived as best we can or as the worst we can? It’s all about how we deal in the moment when it’s happening to us or around us. We can find the humour and compassion to survive both.
Did you notice how many people smiled at you today? Did you notice how many people you smiled at today?
Don’t you wish that there was a ‘mute button that worked in the real world?
Language was created because grunting is rude.
Nightmares are dreams with attitude.
Listen carefully. The truth is often hard to hear.
What a lovely word. Just the way it rolls off your tongue. An- tici-pation. When I was working, I loved Fridays in anticipation of the weekend. One can see a cheesecake and anticipate the way it is going to roll around your mouth slowly melting, the sweet, succulent goo sliding down your throat. One can anticipate the touch of a lover or the ending of a good story. It makes me positively tingly when I am anticipating something exciting. And in many ways, everything is exciting. Until it isn’t.
There is another side to anticipation. There is the side that cripples you with fear when anticipating an activity you do not want to be a part of. When I was a young adult I was terrified of crowds. (To some extent I still am.) Ever a resourceful child, I develop strategies to deal with almost every situation. I did my research on popular topics of the day so if it ever came up in conversation I wouldn’t look like an idiot. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid. And quite honestly, I have done both, more than once. I am nothing if not consistent.
Research is a strength of mine. And I put it to good use. I also developed phrases, witticisms that I could pull out at a moment’s notice. When people are amused, they are not noticing. In University I studied Drama and English. It gave me a whole new set of skills that I could use in my subterfuge. And I was good. When I was performing, I would almost throw up before going on stage but once I got there, I could inhabit my alter ego and act with aplomb. I never felt that I was cheating other people, I was protecting myself. I was protecting that six-year-old child who would be dizzy with panic at having to face someone.
I am older now but that child is still buried deep within my psyche. I may appear to be confident and to some extent I think I am. But that fear will always lurk in the back of my mind. And I am not alone. There are others who deal with the same kind of issues: crippling fears, lack of self-confidence, all-consuming nervousness. But while as a child I felt I was alone; I know now that I am not. And that in itself gives me confidence.
Like so many things we do, if we do it long enough it becomes a habit. To this day I constantly have conversations in my head about situations that might arise so that I am prepared, just in case. I think we are all afraid of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. We all want to seem positive and clever to other people. Perhaps it can even be seen as an incentive to learn more about what’s going on in the world, to be prepared. As a child my family all sat around the dinner table and talked. Most of the time I just listened but I also learned. The topics ranged from what happened that day in a 9 year old’s world to the politics of the time. This continued throughout my life.
We all have a fantasy about being someone else, or being a better version of ourselves. That is commendable. But that anticipation can be both exciting and terrifying. And that’s what makes it all fun.
Say what you think. Just make sure you are actually thinking.