Anticipation

 

What a lovely word. Just the way it rolls off your tongue. An- tici-pation.  When I was working, I loved Fridays in anticipation of the weekend. One can see a cheesecake and anticipate the way it is going to roll around your mouth slowly melting, the sweet, succulent goo sliding down your throat.  One can anticipate the touch of a lover or the ending of a good story. It makes me positively tingly when I am anticipating something exciting. And in many ways, everything is exciting. Until it isn’t.

There is another side to anticipation. There is the side that cripples you with fear when anticipating an activity you do not want to be a part of. When I was a young adult I was terrified of crowds. (To some extent I still am.) Ever a resourceful child, I develop strategies to deal with almost every situation. I did my research on popular topics of the day so if it ever came up in conversation I wouldn’t look like an idiot. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid. And quite honestly, I have done both, more than once. I am nothing if not consistent.

Research is a strength of mine. And I put it to good use. I also developed phrases, witticisms that I could pull out at a moment’s notice. When people are amused, they are not noticing.  In University I studied Drama and English. It gave me a whole new set of skills that I could use in my subterfuge. And I was good. When I was performing, I would almost throw up before going on stage but once I got there, I could inhabit my alter ego and act with aplomb. I never felt that I was cheating other people, I was protecting myself. I was protecting that six-year-old child who would be dizzy with panic at having to face someone.

I am older now but that child is still buried deep within my psyche. I may appear to be confident and to some extent I think I am. But that fear will always lurk in the back of my mind. And I am not alone. There are others who deal with the same kind of issues:  crippling fears, lack of self-confidence, all-consuming nervousness. But while as a child I felt I was alone; I know now that I am not. And that in itself gives me confidence.

Like so many things we do, if we do it long enough it becomes a habit.  To this day I constantly have conversations in my head about situations that might arise so that I am prepared, just in case. I think we are all afraid of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. We all want to seem positive and clever to other people. Perhaps it can even be seen as an incentive to learn more about what’s going on in the world, to be prepared.  As a child my family all sat around the dinner table and talked. Most of the time I just listened but I also learned. The topics ranged from what happened that day in a 9 year old’s world to the politics of the time.  This continued throughout my life.

We all have a fantasy about being someone else, or being a better version of ourselves.  That is commendable. But that anticipation can be both exciting and terrifying. And that’s what makes it all fun.

 

 

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “Anticipation

  1. Dan Antion

    I like this, Pam. I have shared these feelings, many times in my life. I’m OK with some crowds, but I remain skittish of others. It depends on his comfortable I am with the underlying reason they are together.

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Murphy's Law

    I was anticipating a wonderful Sunday post from my friend, and that’s exactly what I got !! You’ve conquered your fears, it seems, better than I have….but I keep working at it. The fear of crowds and interacting with others is not as bad as it used to be, but still has a long way to go.

    Of course, with this pandemic, the fear of crowds is almost off the radar right now ! 🤗
    🐾Ginger 🐾

    Liked by 2 people

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  3. Mark Lanesbury

    Me too, me too. My coping strategy was to avoid those public stage front situations like the plaque as I had no confidence speaking at all. Fearing a mistake or making a fool of myself.
    But alas, I escaped. In facing myself the handcuffs came off, I finally understood my actions and as time went by those coping strategies became meaningless…except for one.
    Each time it raises its head I weep and gnash my teeth in anticipation, break out in a cold sweat and start to shake like nothing else…but by the third bar of chocolate a calmness envelopes me and I am strong and fearless again 😂 🤣
    I’m sorry Pam, I can laugh at myself now but it is most certainly a very hard lifelong task master to break free of those fears. My blog is testimony to that 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      But your wit and compassion are on display for the world to see and embrace! We are better for it. And I think chocolate should be considered an essential service.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Mark Lanesbury

        Oh yes please, it should be in every suburb, a way station if you will. As we pass by we can take a little to encourage our day 😂 🤣
        That was a very heartfelt post young lady, thank you for giving me courage from reading your courage ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

  4. joylennick

    What a revealing and applauded post, new friend! Blushes covered much of my consternation, petty fears and embarrassments, from twelve until around thirty-five…Even in my ‘maturity,’ I still get that odd ‘wobbly’but brief feeling, but fortunately have learned to live in the moment, take a quick breath and carry on! You have a big fan! x

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. oldmainer

    Anticipation is the adrenaline of life. It starts very early when you first believe there is a Santa Claus and continues into your senior years when you know there is a Santa Claus.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. John W. Howell

    We have always believed in a sit-down family dinner every night. It kept us all aware of each other’s triumphs and challenges. I’m happy that our kids continue the tradition. Our unmarried daughter used to have a family dinner with her friends before Covid-19. They all miss that. Luckily she can come to our house for a social distance Sunday dinner experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Garfield Hug

    Great post Pam, but you always do write good pieces 🙂 I too, have that child buried in me, but I always let her out to have some fun with Garfield and this is why I refuse to be an adult really as the adult world is tiring and tough most times.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. quiall Post author

      Thank you. I think we all need to keep in touch with our inner child and let them out once in a while. It helps with the insanity of the day.

      Like

      Reply

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