Unsettled

When I sat down to write this post, I was a little flummoxed. There seems to be so much hatred seething about just below the surface. And some of it, of course, is erupting. Nothing subtle about it!  But we see too much of that on TV and I didn’t want to write about it, I wanted to write about joy and hope and prosperity. And then I wondered what I was smoking! Honey, life ain’t great at this particular moment!

I keep saying that I’m not suffering. And I’m not. I have my computer, books, TV, my food is delivered, everything is delivered. And yet I think I’m suffering more than I think I am. I’m relatively stable, psychologically speaking,  and yet who can say that with any authority except perhaps a doctor. And even that is sometimes questionable.  Sorry. What I am is unsettled.

I watch TV and yet I spend half of my time doing other things not paying attention. I have projects I want to finish but I just don’t have the initiative . I know what needs to be done and I am quite capable of it and yet I don’t do it. I have three books in a queue that I need to go through before I send them to the printer. A couple of weeks work at the most. I haven’t looked at them in two.

I’m not seriously anxious or afraid. I feel safe in the town I’m in but I don’t leave my apartment. When the weather was warmer, I would go out on my balcony. It’s too flipping cold now! I want to empty my apartment and reconfigure it with all new furniture. Don’t worry, that is not going to happen! The cost and inconvenience are insurmountable. So, I sat down at my computer and I designed a one-bedroom condo. It’s not a place that will ever be built but I rather like it. And it amused me for several hours. That seems to be my goal these days: amusement. That is a sad state of affairs. (I also designed a two-bedroom condo and a cottage with three bedrooms.)

I Zoom with friends and use FaceTime and Skype. I have Personal Support Workers that come in every day to help. Suitably masked and gloved but people nonetheless. I have a beautiful view of the Sky and a strip of the downtown. I’m warm and dry. I have nothing to complain about. There are people in the world that are truly suffering with circumstances and disease.

In Canada we have helplines to call if people are feeling overwhelmed. They are free and there are real people to talk to, to connect with. Sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger then a friend. A study came out recently that said women are more psychologically affected by Covid then are men. I wonder if that’s true or maybe women are just more willing to talk about it. People are suffering in ways I cannot begin to imagine and all we can do is wait.  I can help through charities but that’s not enough. I will continue to help in whatever small way I can but I look forward desperately to some form of normalcy in the coming future. Did I mention that I am impatient? Maybe I’ll go design another building …

 

 

44 thoughts on “Unsettled

  1. barbtaub

    My sister wrote last night and said she has basically recovered from a serious and life-threatening condition. She often goes whole days that are relatively pain free. She has a wonderful family, all healthy and living nearby. But… “I am left, however, feeling pretty blah. I think I should be happier.” Things that usually delight her are just “meh”.

    Right now, I told her, I think the world agrees.

    (That is a pretty cool condo though!)

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Murphy's Law

    Pam, how could you not be unsettled? The whole dang world is unsettled, and will be for some time to come. None of us knows what’s around the corner and that scares us…..or at least me. Humans weren’t meant to be hermits. Not having physical contact with anyone is okay for a while. Maybe even welcome. But we’ve all passed the point where we now definitely need to hug someone and be hugged by someone. ANYONE!! Well, personally, I do draw the line at Trump. 🤗

    You are one of the most “put together” people I know. Your creative talents seem endless. Maybe that’s part of it. We all rely on YOU to pick up OUR spirits, and you do! I hope you can find some little something in each of us that puts a smile on your face and in your heart. Your posts have pulled me out of funky moods more times than you can imagine.

    One of the nicest things that’s ever happened to me is the two of us bonding in friendship. Priceless. That’s what you are, priceless. 💕
    Ginger

    Think positive. Test negative.

    PS: Love your rendering of a condo.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      Oh, Ginger I think it is you who is keeping me from the edge of the cliff. I so look forward to seeing your comments. Your wisdom has been a godsend. Thank you dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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    2. Mark Lanesbury

      Pam has indeed saved me from me Ginger. She has that knack of writing just the right thing at the right time. Maybe condo’ing is the new Pam…or at least painting them for those condo sales people for their ‘sales’ around the country 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      Liked by 1 person

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  3. Jennie

    I know how you feel and what you mean. Winter and cold don’t help! The vaccine will be here soon, and so will spring. Having things to look forward to really helps. Designing condos does, too. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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  4. joylennick

    Me too, Pamela. IF I were younger and wealthy…ha ha, I’d meet up with you and we’d have great fun re-designing my small apartment. My husband – a very strong-thinking man – would first have to be bribed or temporarily drugged in some harmless way, as he has positive ideas about decor and used to make furniture… On second thoughts, I’d better keep it as a pipe-dream. Hey-ho…Yep, the world is certainly in a bad way at present, with too many uncertainties hanging over our heads. Still, we managed to get through WW11 for over five years – with husband (living in the East End of London) escaping three times from serious harm. Let’s hope this ‘war’ will be MUCH shorter.Take care. xx .

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      That is definitely something I would look forward to! We are two peas in a pod. Can your husband make a decent cup of tea? If he can he could join us. Ha ha Ha.Perhaps he could make the furniture we design…

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  5. John Hric

    Every summer people celebrate Christmas in July. Well some people do. And when is the last time you saw an unsettled day calendar when the official goal is to celebrate July in January ? Get out a beach towel and margarita or preferred July beverage repair unsettled day. Oh and an extra large container of air hugs. Alexa is running a BOGS sale on them. Buy one get six.

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. Sun Hesper Jansen

    You’re in good unsettled company! War metaphors have been everywhere but I often say we’re suffering from a siege mentality; it’s a quiet, low-level, but dangerous sort of trauma. You have to feel like you’re able to DO something; that’s a basic human need that’s hard to satisfy right now. I like the fact that you’re acknowledging the anger and channeling it rather than challenging it; I think that’s ultimately better for your mental health than strained positivity…

    I love the way you work it out though, and it reminds me of when me and my grandmother used to design future homes for ourselves. I suffered from nightmares when I was a kid but a good bout of dream architecture always did wonders. ^_^

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      I love that concept of dream architecture. I can get my head around that. And I also like the idea of the siege. Because that is exactly what this is. We are under siege. But we are stronger than we believe and we will come out the other side. We may bend but we will not break.

      Liked by 1 person

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  7. Melanie B Cee

    You have done a positive, helpful thing inadvertently. By writing this post, you let me know that I’m not alone in feeling like ‘that’. Unmotivated, ‘meh’, it could be called ‘feeling mauve.’ One isn’t ‘blue’, one isn’t jealous so not ‘green’, one isn’t precisely angry (no red), one is a mixture of all those things plus nostalgic (rose) and that mixture equals “mauve”. You’re coping. That’s the main thing, I personally think. We’re forced to live the ‘one day at a time’ life even though we’re not addicts. Maybe this situation will be over, but when remains a mystery. And even if ‘they’ declare it IS over, how many of us will come out the other side changed permanently? I know I will anyway. Take care Pam. Keep on writing, designing and doing whatever it takes to put that next 24 hours behind you.

    Liked by 2 people

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  8. John W. Howell

    I understand your feelings, Pamela. Impatient or not, this thing has been going on way too long. I think we all feel it should be over. The sad part is that the vaccine distribution is taking way longer, and I really think people believe it would be quicker. We all have a longer row to hoe, and I think that knowledge causes anxious moments. Hang in there. Blah is the order for the day.

    Liked by 2 people

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  9. Mark Lanesbury

    I was thinking of my siege mentality the other day Pam…until at 2.30am last night. Something made me get up and look outside and across the road in the edge of a glow of a streetlight was a woman. She was very, very agitated and looking up and down the street. All I could feel was an energy of fear, of fighting for her life from a very bad ‘bashee’ husband and there was also children in the car near her. She paced for a while, got back in the car and tried to sleep but each time I got up she was either back out pacing or checking the street. I put my light on and went out onto my balcony but she didn’t want to be seen so I left her. Just before dawn she drove off. All morning I realised my siege was nothing to what some go through so I sent her loving energy for safety and appreciated very much of what she had just shown me. Her torment had much, much more yet to go through ❤️ 🙏🏽

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      We are all going through this individually but we’re all experiencing a version of the same thing. How we deal with it is different for everyone. But we are all together.

      Liked by 1 person

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  10. rangewriter

    You expressed our current situation so perfectly, Pam. I, too, have tried (somewhat unsuccessfully) to not get caught up in all the negativity that seethes wherever I look. I, too, think I’m fortunate: My income stream has been uninterrupted. My health has maintained. I’m busy with a lot of busy work that involves neighborhood issues and reading–never leaving my chair and not interacting F2F with people. I’m an introvert, so not bothered by isolation…as much as others.

    And that is something that I should confront. I’m not sure that I’m honest with myself. As you say, who can really evaluate how well I’m maintaining but a doctor? And in a virtual visit to the doctor, I know I come off a solid as a rock. As I think I do to my friends. But the length of this situation is taking its toll on every one. And as I write that, I think of 4 years of war and bombing, decades of war and bombing if you are an unfortunate Afghan. But, yes. Unsettled is it.

    Thanks for sharing so honestly.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      Thank you my friend. I think it helps to know that everybody is experiencing this. Perhaps not the same way but the entire world is dealing with the same issue. That helps. And it also helps to know that we will get through this. Others have gone through horrors and survived, we will too.

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  11. Kate@VanhaTaloSuomi

    Thanks for this! I, too, feel somewhat unsettled. I reach this point yearly mid-winter though. General confinement due to weather results in an unusually high amount of free time – especially coming off the highly productive/busy previous months. Dark days of diminished sunshine – it’s depression. I get a tad blue. Lately, I realize I could spend this free time doing an array of things, yet I cannot be bothered. Just not interested enough. This is the low-happiness portion of the year for me. Lots of freedom and a sense of isolation and abandonment. Since realizing this period of time is cyclic, and that with the arrival of extra sunshine, and the retreat of snow will create the opportunities to get outside which I prefer.
    An analysis of personal happiness, contentment, and general satisfaction would be too revealing in my circumstance, so maybe it’s best not to poke my nose under too many stones!

    Liked by 2 people

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  12. Dan Antion

    The pandemic is trying our patience, Pam, even us guys. This is normally the hardest part of the year to get through, although I think it’s also a period of “normal” isolation. But, as we know, these aren’t normal times. It’s like January/February on top of January/February. On the one hand, I think things will feel better when it starts to get warmer. On the other hand, I think people might really start to be fed up with this dang virus at that point.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. quiall Post author

      I agree with you Dan. In the beginning we were frightened, for good reason. We did what needed to be done and didn’t bat an eye. Now it feels like we are rushing to stay in place. And that is becoming more and more difficult every day. I keep telling myself that one day I will look back.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Dan Antion

        One day, you will. We’ll all be buying “I survived Covid-19” tee-shirts. Except for the babies whose will say “I was born during the pandemic and all I got was this stupid tee-shirt.”

        Liked by 1 person

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