An Emotional Hoarder

41 Replies

I recently posted a poem that I had written about how we need to let go of the baggage we carry around. It’s true. And I am guilty, so guilty. On one of the comments, I responded that I was an emotional hoarder. I really am. I remember a slight I was given when I was five years old, maybe. I was going to the first meeting of a Brownie troop and one of the leaders looked at my fingernails and said, and I quote, “You bite your nails! That is a filthy, dirty, disgusting habit.!” I was five. Of course, there was no recording of the comment so it is entirely possible that I have blown it out of proportion in my memory. But what I have not blown out of proportion is how I felt. That is a memory that will not fade. Because I internalized it. I never went back to that troop.  And you know, it still hurts. I no longer bite my nails. But why do I think of that, why do I remember that?  Why am I carrying that baggage?

I am also a physical hoarder, albeit a tidy one. I’ve lived in the same place for almost 30 years so I have a lot of boxes full of a lot of stuff. I have figurines that I was collecting when I was a child, think single digits. I think of it as mindful clutter.  I have pieces of paper that I wrote in university and that was many decades ago. Recently I’ve been going through those boxes looking at the things I have kept and wondering why? Why would I save a piece of paper with three words that have no meaning to me now. But they must’ve been important once upon a time.

I think I do that with bad memories as well. Why do we hang onto those? I want to remember the good stuff! I think I do but I not sure I give it as much weight as I do the negative. And that is my failing. I think there’ll always be a part of me that wonders if I am good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or… just enough. And I also think we all go through the same thing. But I’m starting to realize that I am enough. Of course, some days I am more than enough. Thankfully there’s only one of me in the world, I don’t think the universe could handle two!

 

 

 

 

41 thoughts on “An Emotional Hoarder”

  1. Murphy’s Law

    You are enough Pam, because you are just right! You are the most perfect you that you can be!

    I go through these same things as well. I used to think it was all age related, but my best friend has these same thoughts and she is 46!

    I don’t keep a lot of physical stuff. I take after my dad there. If you haven’t used it, worn it, or thought about it for one year, pass it on to someone who could use it. However, my emotional baggage takes up a lot of room. I’m still working on that!🥴

    There’s a lot of food for thought in your post today.

    Happy Sunday! Spring is nearly here!
    Ginger

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  3. joylennick

    Your heart and mind sound just fine to me. Ten more of you wouldn’t come amiss! xx PS I’m VERY ancient and I still recall certain, emotional words (many), dreams and a few, dramatic incidents, vividly. Well, there was a war on…

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  5. Jennie

    Pam, that is a reflection I certainly feel, and I’d bet most readers would feel the same way. Emotional hoarding is why the root of preschool teaching centers on social and emotional well being. Those of us who are tender hearted have the other edge of the sword, too, which is kindness and giving to others. So, there’s plenty of goodness in you- don’t forget that.

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  7. Dale

    I am working on the physical clutter. I’ve started thinking of what I really want my kids to have to deal with in terms of my stuff…
    As for the emotional hoarding? Oh, man. I STILL carry something my father told me when I was a gawky, buck-toothed, kid. I told him a few years before he died how much that hurt and he scoffed. Needless to say, it still stings.

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    1. quiall Post author

      Man, I had forgotten. There’s a few things my father said that still rankle me. Fortunately I remember the good stuff mostly about him. We are ever prisoners to our memories.

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  8. willowdot21

    I have lots of mental clutter words and actions that are as raw now as they were years ago . Like you I survive maybe it is why we are who we are, perhaps bit makes us stronger.
    There is always room for you and more of you too!
    💜💜💜💜

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  10. Donna Florack

    You are right, Pam. We all remember the negatives and the embarrassing moments. One of mine was an eighth grade teacher calling me “young man” repeatedly in class when I didn’t respond to her question and me squeaking out, “Me?! I’m a GIRL!” In my defense I had a short hairdo and the clothing at the time was an androgynous outfit of flannel shirt and bell bottom jeans (both boys and girls). We all seem to focus on those awful moments and easily forget the praise and the kind words. Maybe it’s because the thoughtless comments or bad experiences hurt more. And hurt gets buried deep inside where we brood over it while praise glances off the surface and is easily forgotten.

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    1. quiall Post author

      I hope the teacher apologize profusely! But they usually don’t. It’s awful when someone in authority can hurt a child so deeply and not think anything of it. My heart goes out to that little girl.

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      1. Donna Florack

        She did apologize briefly but of course the damage was already done. I was painfully shy and the bullies in the room heard every word. I was mortified. I never cared for that teacher much after that.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Mark Lanesbury

    Every time I move house Pam I strip everything. I’m now down to about 5 truckloads 🤣 But emotionally…it’s slipping through my memory quickly as I get older, but the important bits ever skate around my mind. Mind you the tinnitus is making a racket in there…or is that the skates screeching around. Oil, where’s some oil? 🤣

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  15. Linda Pearce Griffin

    I’m a hoarder as well, Pam. Not the kind that needs an intervention but a hoarder nonetheless. Sigh. I feel your pain. That said, I must say that I am glad there is one of you in the world. One is enough to be simply magnificent. Keep doing you.

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  16. rangewriter

    It is interesting/puzzling how we do tend to remember negatives more clearly than positives. They say (and I’ve found truth in this) that its the vacations were everything goes wrong that we remember the best. It must have to do with how problem solving forces us to engage more deeply with what’s going on. Great topic to ponder.

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    1. quiall Post author

      I think you’re right. When things are going normally everything is the same as it always is but when things go wrong we need to step up to the plate and prove ourselves.

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