A lady is a woman of distinction.
A woman is a lady of character.
The most important thing about being a lady is knowing when not to be
- The most important thing about being a woman is to enjoy the ride
Women, like fine wine, get better with age.
- Ladies, like great wine, are left on the shelf for show.
If you mistreat a lady she will chastise you severely.
- If you mistreat a woman she will kick your sorry ass into tomorrow.
A lady enjoys life.
- A woman enjoys living.
A lady knows that the world needs changes.
- A woman makes the changes.
A lady makes a great hostess.
- A woman throws a hell of a party.
A lady is not alarmed by an atypical situation.
- A woman sees an atypical situation as a challenge.
A lady is the embodiment of style and grace.
- A woman is the embodiment of graceful style.
A lady finds joy in the beauty of a rose.
A woman finds joy in the care of the bud that grows into the rose.
A lady is not often impressed.
- A woman is often impressive.
A lady can always find the right words to say.
- A woman can always find the right person to say the words to.
A lady inspires trust.
- A woman inspires confidence.
A lady walks a narrow path of etiquette.
- A woman chooses her own path.
Talking to a lady is like a breath of fresh air.
- Talking to a woman is like a cold breeze up your shorts.
A lady’s opinion is listened to.
- A woman’s opinion is acted on.
A lady ages gracefully.
- A woman does not age, she matures. YOU GOT THAT? I SAID MATURES!
Ladies are particular.
- Women are thorough.
A woman needs to know how to be a lady.
- A lady needs to know that she is a woman.
Ladies believe in doing the right thing.
- Women believe in doing things right.
A lady likes to wear shoes that are stylish.
- A woman likes to wear shoes that are stylish and practical.
Ideals are something a lady aspires to.
- Ideals are something that inspire a woman.
A lady is cautious.
- A woman is conscientious.
A lady knows how to be a good mother.
- A woman knows how to be a good mother, chef, arbitrator, manager, doctor, bread-winner, for starters.
A lady sees the world as it is
- A woman sees the world as it could be.
A woman understands the importance of a minute.
- A lady understands the importance of a moment.
A lady has laugh lines.
- A woman has battle scars.
A lady speaks with the voice of reason.
- A woman speaks with the voice of authority.
A lady can be distinguished
- A woman can be illustrious.
A lady has suitors.
- A woman has lovers.
Being a lady is a choice.
- Being a woman is a fact.
- Ladies follow.
Ladies write missives.
Women write mandates.
Ladies have inspirations.
- Women have aspirations.
Women are born.
- Ladies are created.
A lady demands respect.
- A woman demands appreciation.
A lady is genteel.
- A woman is gentle.
To a lady money is a matter of means.
- To a woman money is a matter of means to an end.
A lady is wise.
- A woman is wise in the ways of the world.
Ladies get angry.
- Women get even.
A lady has high expectations.
- A woman has realistic expectations.
Ladies understand the benefits of positive thinking.
- Women understand the benefits of thinking outside the box.
Ladies are persistent.
- Women are determined.
Never underestimate the power of a woman.
- Never underestimate the tenacity of a lady.
Ladies understand the power of persuasion.
- Women understand the power of a threat.
Ladies have charm.
- Women have charisma.
- Women envision.
Ladies take strolls.
- Women take journeys.
Ladies love gentlemen.
- Women love men.
Ladies play games.
- Women play sports.
SO MANY THINGS FOR A WOMAN TO KNOW
1. Understanding that a little madness is simply an intelligent mind’s attempt at a release from a world of mediocrity.
2. Inhale deeply and hang on, it is going to be a bumpy ride!
3. How to be yourself is perhaps the hardest lesson you
will ever attempt to learn.
4. It is nice to be old enough to know better and young enough to do it anyway.
5. Integrity is a word understood by few and practiced infrequently.
6. Talk is cheap unless you are a lawyer and then the value placed on the ability to construct a coherent and viable argument based on current information available cannot be placed above the mundane use of a currency that is expected to exchange hands forthwith.
7. If you are considering offering someone a bribe, it is illegal. If you are considering offering someone an incentive plan, it is good business. It is all in how you word it.
8. Not all products are for sale unless you are really, really rich.
9. Being ‘politically correct’ is passé, now it is being ‘socially aware’. Next it will be ‘spiritually encompassing’ or perhaps ‘individually omnipotent’ and open to ‘global warming’.
10. A toss of the dice, a cut of the cards, the luck of the draw. Life management.
11. The age of the computer, where an electronic beep announces your every move.
12. I think therefore I am. My computer thinks therefore I am redundant.
13. A smile – personal sunshine.
14. Truth – like sand castles on the shore, easily washed away.
15. Other people’s perception of us is often difficult to live up to.
16. A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
17. Change is a matter of perspective.
18. Perfection is static. Imperfection is charming.
19. Bravery only exists when you have a choice.
20. A person’s stature is not measured by inches, but by deeds.
21. The ability to invent is limited only by the boundaries of imagination.
22. Knowledge is a dangerous thing when someone else has it.
23. It is not important to know whether the glass is half empty or half full. It is only important to know that you are no longer thirsty.
24. We can control time by dividing it into manageable segments. Seconds, minutes, hours, days.
25. We can control people by dividing them into manageable segments. Man, woman, white, black.
26. Profit is made on the backs of the majority.
27. Luck is something we make ourselves, good or bad.
28. Money is not the root of all evil, people are.
29. Life is too short to be miserable.
30. How we view the world is directly related to how we view ourselves.
31. All ladies are women but not all women are ladies.
32. Those aren’t wrinkles on your face, those are laugh lines.
33. With age comes wisdom. Usually.
34. Learning never ends.
35. The heart keeps the body moving and the mind makes it fun.
36. If there is a smile in your heart, there will be a smile on your face.
37. Life is for living, at any age.
38. A good hug is like a smile with arms.
39. Be proud of your gray hairs, you earned them.
40. Wisdom comes with age. Humility comes with experience.
41. Life is a risk worth taking.
42. Naming something is the first step in controlling it.
43. Moments are the reasons we count the minutes.
44. It is not how well one speaks that is important, it is how well one is understood.
45. Be careful what you do in public, everyone is watching.
46. Only a woman can give motherly advice.
47. No one is ever what they first appear to be.
48. We are the architects of our own future.
49. We must accept what we cannot change and change what we cannot accept.
50. Insanity is a matter of perspective.
51. Virtual reality is just a walk on the wild side.
52. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you could do today. Delegate.
53. Let a fool speak long enough and everyone will know they are a fool.
54. Motherhood is the sincerest form of immortality.
55. To be older and wiser is to realize that we still have a lot to learn.
56. Strangers are simply friends who have yet to be introduced.
57. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Honesty is the linchpin.
58. Small things leave big impressions.
59. Exercise your smile.
60. Immortality exists in the memory of others.
61. A woman’s place is wherever she wants it to be.
62. Inspiration is an imaginative leap of faith.
63. Beauty may be only skin deep, but it’s the packaging that
people notice first.
64. People make a house a home.
65. True friendship is as precious as a jewel, and as life-sustaining as a drop of water.
66. A true friend is someone who will indulge your silly side.
67. Money doesn’t make the world go around. Gravity does.
68. The mind is the last bastion of individuality.
69. If you want to live in a glass house, make it shatterproof.
70. It is the trying that builds character, not the having.
71. Having great friends makes us look good.
72. Be careful what you pray for, it’s probably taxable.
73. Adversity builds character.
74. Necessity breeds independence.
75. Laughter makes the world a funnier place.
76. Truth is a valuable commodity.
77. Real power is control of the TV remote.
78. Being brave means letting someone else hold the TV remote.
79. Inhale deeply, while you still can.
80. Comfort is the motivator in our struggle for dominance over all that we would call ours.
81. Don’t hide from life, meet it head on.
82. The easiest way to take charge is to let everyone else think they are.
83. Every new day is a new opportunity.
84. Comfort food is anything that tastes good.
85. Everyone is special to some extent.
86. Panty-hose – penance for shapely legs
87. Life for an optimist is made up of possibilities. Life for a pessimist is made up of eventualities.
88. Living on the edge is only dangerous when someone is pushing you.
89. If we are aspiring to be a paperless society, what will we use in the bathroom?
90. Love is two people grasping for security in an insecure world.
91. To fly with the birds is to reach for the heavens. To soar with the eagles is to share the clouds with the gods.
92. A smile is a hopeful expression of love.
93. How do we make sense of an insane world? We dream.
94. Words are food for the mind. Spoken well they are nutritious. Spoken poorly they can cause an upset stomach.
95. Possibilities are endless, probabilities are limiting.
96. Freedom is a frame of mind held in chains by our own fears.
97. Profanity is a fool’s only means of expression.
98. The future is ahead, the past is behind, and the present can be shaped to our liking.
99. An emotional bond is more binding than any chain could ever be.
100. There is no such thing as an insurmountable problem, just solutions no one is willing to try.
101. This moment in time will never, ever, come again.
In the world of the ‘witty comeback’ few people are consistently good at it. And of course how many of us come up the most absolutely brilliant retort hours or even days after the original comment. It loses something when you finally get the courage to say it. To that end I have compiled a list of witty, hopefully pithy, remarks that may find a home in your conversation
It is important to remember that you must always couch your “comeback” in the appropriate language: will your intended understand ’verisimilitude’ or perhaps ‘lifelike’ is more to their understanding? Not everyone who uses the English language is able to understand all the idioms you may use. There are cultural differences, sexual differences, regional differences and schooling differences. So you can see just how difficult it can be for someone else to understand what you have just said. In actual fact it is amazing that individuals can understand each other at all. Of course it is that frequency of misunderstood comments that makes for the most humorous of all “comebacks”. Don’t be malicious; try to be amusing and witty. Just remember, always know your audience. Some people may find these humorous; some may be insulted so please aim for the former and not the later, after all: life is too short to be miserable.
1. Just because you are never right doesn’t mean I’m not.
2. In a battle of wits you are unarmed.
3. On the highway of life you just took the off ramp.
4. You could be the poster child for the need for family planning.
5. On the journey that is life, you are living in a pothole.
6. I love what you’ve done with your face, is it new?
7. Does it hurt too much when you smile?
8. Let a fool talk long enough and he will always prove your point.
9. You look like the before picture in an emergency make-over.
10. I will never be as old as you look.
11. Are you on a lemon sucking diet?
12. I’m not going to apologise for being human but you should.
13. So, you failed you personality test.
14. I love men, I really do. I think every woman should have one. They make great pets.
15. By my standards you don’t have much of a life do you?
16. You and I live in different realities
17. It’s not your mouth that gets you into trouble, it’s the waste product that comes out of it.
18. Some women give womanhood a bad name.
19. You shouldn’t think so much, you’re obviously not very good at it.
20. I may be a bitch but at least I’m human.
21. On what planet were you spawned?
22. You do a passable imitation of a human being but it still needs work.
23. Profanity is a fool’s way of expressing himself.
24. Did you say something? All I heard was a pesky gnat buzzing impotently about.
25. I think you belong in an alternate reality.
26. It’s not how well you speak that’s important, it’s how well you are understood.
27. Wow, you talk as if you actually understand what you’re saying. Of course we know better.
28. I refuse to let the facts get in the way of my beliefs.
29. Lots of passion, not so much talent.
30. The truth is only one version of the events.
31. Some people shouldn’t be allowed in polite company, you are one of them.
32. I only remember the important things in my life. And who are you?
33. God and I have an understanding: I don’t rearrange your face and he doesn’t smite me down with a thunderbolt. Of course I may just risk that He is a lousy shot.
34. You don’t look like a rat but you sure do act like one.
35. Do you practise at being an idiot, or does it come naturally?
36. Have you been on this planet long?
37. If appearances are everything honey, then you’ve got nothing.
38. Time has not been your friend for many, many years.
39. I don’t know how to tell you this but . . .you are unimportant.
40. Where did you find your personality, the refuse bin?
41. I can see your lips moving but I can’t hear anything of any importance coming out.
42. You look a little blank. Thinking processes stop working again?
43. Are you allowed to be in public areas? I know certain restrictions apply to untrained animals.
44. Life is too short to be miserable.
45. They say that Homo sapiens and the common chimpanzee are closely related; in you I can see the resemblance.
46. You look constipated or is that your normal expression?
47. I hope you aren’t planning on contributing to the gene pool.
48. You are breathing my air and that offends me.
49. Please don’t inflict yourself on us; we haven’t had all our shots.
50. People gather here, so what are you doing?
51. Do me a favour: find some one else to irritate.
52. I have fulfilled my ‘good deed’ requirements for this week. Go away.
53. Why would anyone want to be politically correct? Politicians lie, cheat and steal, what is correct about that?
54. They say that it’s a ‘man’s’ world. So they get the blame for screwing it up!
55. I know that somewhere in this very wide world there are those who really care about what you have to say, but they’re not here.
56. My standards may be low but not that low.
57. Our species was once a single cell born in the primordial sludge three billion years ago. You seem to be reverting back.
58. Are you related to the Syrian wild ass or are you just a common bigoted ass?
59. The concept of the truth is obviously lost on you.
60. Are you pausing for effect or have you forgotten what you were about to say.
61. You have a winning smile and a losing personality.
62. You are dragging your knuckles again. How very prehistoric of you.
63. Don’t judge others by your standards, most people don’t rate that low.
64. Honey I am old enough to know how and young enough to still enjoy it.
65. I have no problem with someone else being in charge, as long as they do what I want.
66. You look like you just got a door slammed in your face. I guess that happens a lot.
67. You are a witless wonder.
68. In the greater scheme of things you don’t measure up.
69. Oh good, you’re leaving.
70. If you have a problem with me take it up with God. He is the only one who cares.
71. You are a very funny person. And you didn’t even open your mouth.
72. Why don’t you take credit for something you have actually done? Oh, my mistake, you haven’t actually DONE anything.
73. Some animals make better people.
74. If it walks like a jerk, and it talks like a jerk, then it must be you!
75. You are a rain cloud in my world of sunshine.
76. Your presence here is toxic.
77. On a small child that attitude is cute, on you: not so much.
78. You are the waste product on a fly’s bum.
79. Your people skills are quite non-existent.
80. Now that is something you are really good at: being a jerk.
81. You’ve heard the phrase ‘no brainer’? It suits you.
82. You are an embarrassment to human beings everywhere.
83. You are more like a man than any woman I’ve ever met.
84. For a man you would make a good woman.
85. I didn’t think minds could be that narrow.
86. You live life according to a balance sheet: I give you “x” and you owe me “y”. How sad.
87. You have eyes that cannot see, ears that cannot hear and a mind that cannot think.
88. It is not enough to do what is right it is also important to be perceived as doing what is right.
89. Time on this planet is short and you are taking up too much of it.
90. I don’t have a problem, you on the other hand have several.
91. Did you study hard to be an idiot or does it come naturally.
92. The mind is a wonderful tool, you should get one.
93. Stupid is not a word I would use to describe most people, except you.
94. I was sure I saw a spark of intelligence behind those eyes, perhaps I was wrong.
95. You are insignificant. Your value is less than trifling.
96. Were you never taught the niceties of polite society?
97. I am not without some intelligence. You on the other hand are.
98. I am sure you have a brain but you don’t appear to know how it works.
99. You are not blind just really, really dense.
100. I just added that remark to the YEAH RIGHT column and deleted it with the rest of the garbage.