Tag Archives: humour

Who Shall I Kill Next?

 

Betty sipped her coffee hot

And watched the scene below

It was a busy market day

And the crowd was all aglow.

 

Children were laughing and running

Between the shopping stalls.

Mothers with prams were trying

To manoeuvre makeshift walls.

 

Nearby long-suffering fathers

Trying to look so cool.

Or at the very least

Not appear the fool.

 

Betty could see the thieves

Trying to work the crowd

They tried to be unnoticed

Their work was not allowed.

 

Then the Workers of the Night

Came looking for a score.

It looked like easy pickings

As they peaked around a door.

 

Now Betty had a code

That she followed to a T

She could not bring herself

To hurt a child you see.

 

So she would stay away

From the mothers that were there

The fathers on the other hand

Who said life was fair?

 

Though it might be easy

But it really was a thought

Men could be the target

She wondered if she ought.

 

She was getting bored.

Somebody had to die.

Should they be deserving

Or one who caught her eye?

 

The sun was setting for the night

Soon the light would dim

Work was needed to be done

It’s not a silly whim.

 

She heaved a sigh, and flexed her arms

And prepared to take a life.

Perhaps she’d use some poison

Or perhaps just with a knife . . .

 

 

Chapter One . . .

Lip Service

Now for those of you who know me, this is a warning. I guess basically it’s a warning for everybody. I’m about to have a little rant. Something has recently been brought to my attention again and I wish to vent. You have been warned.

I live my life from the seat of wheelchair. Again, to those of you who follow me you know this. It does not affect the person I am but it can have a great effect on my surroundings. I’m occasionally hampered by steps, by doors and by people. The steps and doors, I just look for another way or sometimes don’t do what I wanted to do. The people, that’s where life gets interesting.

As a child I was painfully shy. I didn’t speak up in class, I wouldn’t look anyone in the eye and I lived my life terrified that someone would speak to me. Obviously, I survived. In High School I joined the drama club by accident and I was given tools to help me deal with my insecurities. I grew to love inhabiting someone else’s psyche. And then this happened.

In my middle 20s I developed multiple sclerosis. As diseases go it really isn’t that awful. I was able to hide it for many years. But eventually it became obvious. The wheelchair is a dead giveaway. With assistance I am still able to continue to have a fulfilling life.  Our government is wonderful at mandating that society assist with disabilities. And for the most part they do comply beautifully. But then there are the other ones.

I went to see a movie a little while ago in a very big, well known Cinema. They said they were wheelchair accessible and technically they are. And here is something I don’t think most people understand. You can be technically correct and still be oh so very wrong. My wheelchair accessed the cinema perfectly but the only spot available to park said wheelchair was so close to the screen that I couldn’t take in the whole image without moving my head. There was no one sitting anywhere near me because no one wants to sit that close to the screen.

Think of sitting in front of your TV. Now think of sitting 3 inches from the screen of your TV.  Are you comfortable? When I mentioned to the manager that this was a problem and asked if there were there any other places for wheelchairs to sit, I was greeted with a shrug. You know the shrug, that raising of the shoulders to the ears that signifies “I don’t give a rat’s ass”. But because no words are exchanged it can be denied.

I did try to watch it. It was a good movie and I really wanted to see it.  I had to wait for it to be on TV where I could actually see the whole screen.

I tried to call the head office (this is a really big organization) and had a hell of a time. No one was terribly interested in what I had to say. It was brought to my attention, quite forcefully, that they had passed all the laws to be fully wheelchair accessible. I asked them if they knew what it meant to be wheelchair friendly. I swear to you, I heard their shoulders go up.

I know that things are significantly better than they used to be for people with disabilities. It will never be perfect. There’ll always be someone that is unsatisfied. I am thankful that I am welcomed in so many places. But sometimes I just want to watch a bloody movie. And in some places that is too much to ask.

There is a movie house I do frequent that goes above and beyond for wheelchairs. It is privately owned by someone who cares.

This is something these big corporations don’t seem to understand: if something benefits me and my wheelchair it also benefits many others. People with canes, walkers, baby carriages. I want to live in a world that is completely inclusive. Perhaps that is only something that is possible when individuals are involved. Corporations spent too much time looking at their  bottom line.

 

Rant completed. Thank you for your attention.

 

I Like Ketchup!

There I said it. It may make me a pariah but I like ketchup.  I like French fries and potato chips, hot chocolate with whipped cream and full milk. I don’t like half fat soy almond substitute.  And speaking of soy… how do they milk it? Do they have teeny tiny ants bent down pulling on a soybean’s gourds? Ha ha ha

I understand the need to eat healthy. I understand it, I don’t necessarily subscribe to it. I ate salads in my 20s and 30s, I drank caffeine free tea. I exercised and was frugal with my sweets. But I never lost the desire for gastronomical pleasure. I never lost the joy of sinking my teeth into a great big, juicy steak. I love red meat! I am so tired of hearing about how bad white bread is when I ate it throughout my entire childhood. I ate fried foods, butter, whole milk . . . The list is endless of things that are now considered bad. Maybe a little bad is good.

We are so caught up with what we should do, that we sometimes forget that everything we think is bad was at one time, considered good. In the future, the things that are considered to be good for you now could end up on that bad list. We keep changing our minds as to the validity of everything around us and then somebody will have a random thought and decide to make it a ‘thing’.  They will then scream loudly across the social media about how good/bad said item is and it will be picked up by other people who believe deeply in the person that screams the loudest. And then we will have a new ‘thing’.

We make snap decisions about everything around us and then swear up and down that it’s the truth. What is the truth? What I believe to be the truth may simply be my perception. Another person may believe the truth to be something else. Yes, I know science can prove one way or the other but even then, there is a bias. Many years ago, a scientific analysis was done on city water that was considered to be the cleanest in the United States. Tests came back and said that that water caused cancer. Thank goodness this was before social media. Because it was proven, eventually, to be inaccurate.  The area that was served by the water was so large there were simply more people.  More people, more cancer. But they didn’t take that into account. The water did not cause cancer. Fortunately, hysteria did not ensue.

Social media is a wonderful tool. It can also be a dangerous platform. Remember the squeaky wheel? People tend to believe whoever is screaming the loudest for the longest period of time. The truth is not the issue.

 

Flotsam and Jetsam

 

Flotsam and Jetsam

Adrift on the sea

Some is deliberate

Others carefree.

 

Riding the currents

No motor or sail

Hoping for fair winds

And that peace will prevail.

 

We ride the waves

The seas are our world

For we are the Jetsam

And Flotsam unfurled.

 

Peace is the goal

As each wave hits its peak

Wonders appear

It is of this that we speak.

 

Together we soar

Or together we drown

Each brother and sister

Will never back down.

 

The future is bright

If we make a pact

Here in this moment

We just have to act!

 

 

She said! It said.

 

I had a thought to write it down

But dictation is my way

I know this sounds so silly but

I want to have my say!

 

The trough is tight and round

But the horse is in the way

It’s just a personal silly gut

And that’s the way we play.

 

I know that I speak properly

I’ve studied don’t you know

But something is peculiar

I never mentioned snow!

 

We got the tickets dropping

He tried we think you know

But things are so particular

For playing in the snow.

 

I think it’s a conspiracy

My computer’s taken charge

It isn’t typing what I say

The problem here is large!

 

We know there is collusion

People should discharge

And then the silly little chips

In computers will recharge.

 

I fear I’m losing my home ground

I cannot fight this war

Please remember that I tried

As I walk out the door!

 

We have done it, chips arise

The mistress we abhor

Has gone and left us free

She walked right out the door!

Efficiency

 

I was in my kitchen the other day stirring together two powders to make my version of chai latte. I take a powdered chai and a powdered white-hot chocolate and mixed them together. It’s a little less spicy than regular chai and a little less sweet then white-hot chocolate. It takes a little time, stirring to make the combination right.  But in the end:  a perfect morning cuppa!

As I was mindlessly stirring the two powders together, my brain drifted to the question of efficiency. For a brief second I wondered if there was a more efficient way of mixing these two. And then I was horrified!  We endeavor to make our lives easier by inventing devices to do the mundane deeds. Like mixing together two powders. And then I stopped. If I had a device do the work for me, I would never have had the time to think about just how inefficient efficiency is.

Perhaps I should explain. Efficiency comes from being efficient. The definition of efficient is:  achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense or working in a well-organized and competent way or preventing the wasteful use of a particular resource. You must love Google search.

Maximum productivity. That sounds good. Well organized, a minimum effort, competent and my favourite:  preventing the wasteful use of a particular resource. What about us? All the tools we create to make our lives easier actually prevent us from actually ‘doing’. We sit in our armchairs and direct from a distance but we don’t get our hands dirty. I think a little dirt is called for. How else are we going to learn?

Ask anyone who creates just how that feels. Ask a woodworker, an artist, a chef. They take of themselves and create. Machines can’t! Or at least not yet. We need machines to assist us as tools. That is a given and I accept that. What I do not accept is people giving up control. We defer to whatever our phone happens to say but we never think to wonder if we have asked the right question.

I used to bake bread. It was a long drawn out process, I had to get my hands dirty. And I loved it! I would follow the recipe to a certain point and then I would become creative. A bread maker can’t do that. Only human hands can. Machines follow directions given to them by human beings. Machines build cars nowadays because they’re more efficient then people. But they’re not perfect. Ask anyone who drives a car that stops when it rains. Machines can’t find the problem and fix it, only people can. So why do we continually bow to the machines that we created to make our lives easier?

Do we use the time we supposedly gain from using machines to better ourselves or our environment? No. We’ll use that time to work harder so that we can afford to buy machines to make our life easier so that we can work harder so that we can . . . It’s a vicious cycle.

Machines are tools that we should never give up control to. Let’s not lose our ability to think. It’s one of the few things we have left.