Tag Archives: humour

Oops, my straitjacket is slipping…

A blast from my past.  First published in September 2017.  I hope you enjoy it.

 

When you look up at the stars at night do you feel homesick?  Okay, okay, bad joke.  Do you know once upon a time I laughed uproariously at that joke.  I ran around and told all my preteen friends.  Yes, it’s that old.  And so am I.

As we age our funny bone seems to migrate.  For some people it ends up around the gluteus maximus.  For others humour becomes more cerebral.  I don’t know the equation to what’s funny.  I don’t even know what makes me laugh until I am actually laughing.  When was the last time you laughed so hard there were tears running down your face?  Do you remember the knee slapping, rib-tickling, gut-wrenching guffaws you used to hear when a group of people got together to watch a comedy film?  I don’t, at least not recently.  The last time I had one of those all-encompassing, falling on the floor cackles was watching an old movie.

The movie was ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.  I don’t remember the movie.  I don’t even know if it was actually a comedy.  What I do remember is my boyfriend and I beating on the furniture.  We were laughing so hard we were crying.  I remember him falling on the floor and not able to catch his breath.  But I don’t remember the movie.  I remember that there was a series but it appeared to be about teenage angst (and vampire slaying) I wasn’t interested.  I had enough of that when I was a teenager! (The angst not the slaying!) Don’t get me wrong I enjoy comedy.  I’ve been known to crack a smile and even show teeth.  I just haven’t had a really good belly laugh in a very long time.

Laughter is a universal language.  It crosses borders and brings people together.  It can also alienate people and cause others to commit various forms of harm.  Of course, that in itself can be funny!  But I digress.  I don’t know of any culture that doesn’t have some form of laughter.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could laugh more and shoot less?  We spend so much of our time behaving according to the dictates of society that when we let loose it can be epic!  Find the time to laugh.  A really good guffaw exercises the whole body!

 

 

Ginger Snaps   

I would like to share something a little different today. These are not my quotes. Someone I met here on my blog has been commenting for a while now and I think she happens to be brilliant. Unfortunately, she does not have a blog of her own. It’s a shame because I think she’s wonderful! My opinion. These are her actual words on some of my posts. Please enjoy.

Ginger Snaps

24 May 2022  “Why thank you! Hardly witticisms though. Maybe Ginger Snaps!

Ginger”

 

Contemplating the day ahead is much more productive than contemplating your navel!

In a world where you can be anything you want to be, be kind.

We won’t know what we can accomplish if we don’t try.

The things we fight the hardest for are so easily lost.

I think we all march to a different tune. And because we march to a different tune we look out of step, but we’re not! We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be.

Very often the “grand gestures” are just bluster and hot air.

Sometimes after getting there from here, we realize we didn’t need to go there after all!

Don’t ever give up on your dreams. They are the soft spot where we can land when we’re having a tough day.

True friendships know no boundaries.

The absolute best laughter is the one you’re trying so hard to suppress.

Laughter is the thread that holds us together and joins us together with others.

Let’s show some gratitude for attitude! No platitudes please.

Some of us don’t understand what they DO know!

We need to stick our toe in the water and dive in instead of running back to our blanket on the beach!

Too often we just “decide” that something is impossible without seeing all the possibilities right in front of us.

Sometimes a single thought is all it takes to put something wonderful into motion.

Life requires we get off our butts and make ourselves useful and get involved. Couch potatoes not welcome!

Truth will always shine its high-powered beam on a lie and show it for what it is. Sometimes it takes a while, but beware lest you find yourself in the spotlight!

If we have life and chocolate, we pretty much have Everything. There’s not much room left for Nothing.

A smile, a kind word, a small thoughtful gesture, can make a huge difference in the big picture.

Maybe the lie is what we want to hear! The truth can be hard to take.

Free can be very expensive, especially if it’s in the form of advice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image originally via the Internet. I did modify it somewhat.

Theheritagecook.com

What did I forget?

I know what I remember

It says so on this card

That really is quite easy

The other stuff is hard!

 

There is a moon round Jupiter

Or maybe that’s the sun

You see I can’t remember

I wonder what I’ve done!

 

Years ago I knew the truth

The reasons they put forth

Now the problem surely is

My thinking has gone north!

 

Silly me that phrase is wrong

It really should be south

I hear the stuff that’s spoken

All by word of mouth!

 

Now I wonder what I meant

What I had to say

It all is going sideways

It seems to every day!

 

The things that I remember

Are written on a card

It makes my life so easy

When others find it hard!

 

Cutlery At Odds

A knife made

A cutting remark to a fork

Who looked up and said

“I have a point,

several in fact.

I think you’re on edge

And not really yourself.

The rumour I hear:

The spoon scooped you again!”

The knife then retracted

And quietly said

“I feel so under used,

The world has gone soft!”

“Time will move on!”

The fork then proclaimed.

“You’re just newly minted.

Too soon you’ll complain

Your edge is abused!”

The drawer softly closed

On the bickering pair

As the glass chuckled and stated:

“Half empty or full

I’ll always be clear!”

Thou Shall Not Kill

Now I bet you are wondering why I am stating the obvious. Sometimes the obvious needs to be pointed out again and again and again. Some people just don’t get it. In modern society we need rules, we need laws to convince people to behave appropriately. How sad is that?  Having laws means that we have a template to punish people when they circumvent what we consider to be correct behaviour. No, I am not going to regale you with a rant about how ridiculous some laws are. No, I’m just going to focus on one that I find perplexing.

Do not kill.

OK, that sounds easy enough, don’t kill.  Our laws in Canada do elucidate the word kill:  no killing of people.  But like every rule there are exceptions.  I once asked people if they had the courage to kill if it was warranted.  If it was to protect others, would you have the strength to take another life?  I don’t know that I do but I hope I could. I hope I would have the strength to protect another even with deadly force. I wouldn’t like it, hopefully. But if the moment ever came . . .

In my life I’ve probably killed thousands, tens of thousands. They just weren’t people. I’ve killed flies, spiders, microbes, bacteria. All these things were living and I ended them. Oh, but I have done so much more! I have killed the mood; I have killed a thought. With malice aforethought I have killed ideas. And I’m not the only one.

We seem to use that word indiscriminately. We have lessened its importance so that it is almost meaningless. We rant about somebody we dislike by saying that we could kill them. We don’t mean actually but are we so desensitized to the word that it is becoming dangerous.? We have video games, movies and even comic books that show various forms of killing and even encourages it. When it happens in real life, are we surprised? Should we be surprised? I don’t know. But I do find it frightening. When did the value of life become so insignificant?

I do not like to kill. Even buggy creatures. For years there has been a spiderweb in one corner of my balcony. As long as they stay in that corner, I will not disturb them. If there is a fly in my apartment I will try and coerce it to leave.  I do not like insects but I understand that they have a purpose in our world. They are part of the chain that makes up the whole.  But if you are a mosquito . . . you and your brethren, you will die. Bwaha ha ha!

 

 

Dot, Dot, Dot . . .

Most of my regular readers are familiar with my use of three dots.  I am of the generation that is not completely comfortable with the use of emojis. Quite frankly, I would have to invent my own. I find them woefully inadequate and they do not represent the emotion I would have at that time. I would only be able to use something that was an approximation. That ain’t me.

At its most basic, writing conveys information. Information can be sterile and while edifying, it really has no emotion. Individual words, sentence length and punctuation do attempt to fill in the gap but they too are inadequate. Communication is approximately 90% nonverbal. 90%! The twinkle in the eye, the upturned corner of the mouth, the slight flush to the cheeks or the bowed head. A sigh, a giggle. These all speak volumes without words. Inflection, hesitation, volume, all of these speak to emotion in the meaning of the words. A gifted writer will convey all of these with their words. A gifted writer. The rest of us just fumble. Hence . . .

Punctuation can help with inflections on sentences or words. Three dots imply a hesitation, a pause. During a face-to-face conversation that can be quite telling. If I have to explain to my readers that my eyebrows were raised while making a statement then that statement becomes unimportant, even amusing. And yet if it is done while we are speaking face-to-face it will emphasize the statement.

Social media has enabled us to stay in touch but it has taken the colour out of our words. Emojis try to replace them with tiny little images which, in my opinion, are utterly inadequate. I also find that there are a lot of anagrams in use. I’m embarrassed to admit that a lot of them I don’t understand. For years I thought LOL meant Lots Of Love. Oops. Now I know it means Laugh out Loud. But there is no dictionary to tell you what they mean! Fortunately, I have friends who take pity on me (I am sure they are smirking although I can’t see it) and they explain things to me. It took me years before I finally broke down and asked what ROTFL meant or SWMBO. (Rolling On The Floor Laughing and She Who Must Be Obeyed) Just in case I’m not alone out here…

Ain’t communication grand!

I’m Feeling Wonderful

I’m feeling wonderful,

And I don’t know why!

I’m on top of the world,

And there’s rain in the sky!

 

The sun shines around me,

Tho’ the clouds up above.

There’s a smile on my face,

And I’m thinking thereof.

 

I don’t understand,

The happiness I feel.

I frankly don’t care,

I hope that it’s real.

 

The feelings I feel,

Are only for me.

Others may have them,

Just now let me be.

 

This day like the others,

When I’m feeling this good,

I’ll treasure the memory,

And do what I should.

 

I’m feeling wonderful!

And I don’t know why.

I’m on top of the world,

I tell you no lie!

 

 

I Did Not Say That!

I am convinced that my Dictation Software is actually a 15-year-old pimply boy wearing socks with Flip-flops and sweatpants sitting in his mother’s basement chewing bubble-gum. I know this because some of his auto corrections on my blog are . . .   Shall we say inappropriate. Which of course means I have to share. As an example: this is what happened when I left a comment on a post at nofacilities.com:  You’re a penis Arnel serve yourself. That’s what auto correct said! No joke. This is what I said:  Your peanuts are now serve yourself? Dan had shared a picture of a bag of peanuts on his back deck. He feeds the squirrels, usually.

Now I am not a prude. I didn’t go ballistic at the word penis. It’s a word. But I do find it hilarious how so many of these auto check changes are sexual in nature. Does that not scream teenage boy? Now when it comes to profanity. . . (I worked for the police for 30 years I am not afraid of profanity.   I actually have quite a litany of vulgar verbiage at my disposal.) Spell check has no trouble spelling expletives perfectly. I get cranky and I get annoyed at auto correct. Because basically, it’s not correct! And it infuriates me when I’m taking great care to enunciate correctly and it prints something that isn’t even a bloody word! Sorry, redhead, temper. I can understand changes with the spelling. I may not like it but I understand it. I am Canadian and the spellcheck is American. There are certain words that we do spell differently, for example: humour and humor.  Oh, my word, spellcheck got that one right! I guess that pimply 15-year-old was listening.  Ha ha ha!

Throughout the ages so many have named their devices. The golf club that’s called Big Bertha, men naming their cars after well, something they probably won’t want to explain. I have never really felt the need. But sometimes I want to have somebody to yell at in my frustration and it really is absolutely no fun at all to yell at a device that has no feeling. So, if I have a teenager hiding in his mom’s basement to be annoyed with, I’m good!

 

 

The Cabal

The dishwasher whispered,

To the toaster one day.

There’s crumbs in my workings,

In an irritating way!

 

The toaster responded,

With a mouth full of bread.

The faults not my own,

It’s the humans I said!

 

The kettle then screamed,

My ass it’s a glow!

Stop bickering this minute,

My lid’s gonna blow!

 

The oven just smiled,

A long gentle burn.

He knew what was coming,

He’d just wait his turn.

 

Then a cold laden breeze,

Filled the room with despair.

With the fridge door ajar,

They knew who was there.

 

“Breakfast is ready”!

Came the bone chilling call.

And the hoards then descended,

On the appliances’ cabal.

 

 

Slipping Away…

 

It’s dark. Everything is dark. All your senses are tentatively reaching out only to touch darkness. Slowly, oh so slowly your eyes creep open, just a touch. Your head moves of its own volition towards the clock. Your eyes start to focus. 2, 1, 7. It’s 2:17 in the bloody morning! Your eyes burst open and your head practically levitates off the pillow. Damn! You have another three hours to sleep. Sleep. If only it was that easy. You’ve only been unconscious for . . .  three hours. Six solid hours of sleep is good, been working for you for years. It’s when it is interrupted by . . . whatever, that it becomes a problem. And then it happens.

Your eyes close in frustration, you become aware of something unusual, something enticing. You move your eyes back-and-forth behind your lids trying to find that little spark that you just saw briefly in the recesses of your mind.  You start to sigh, your frustration growing when that spark maturates, ripens.  Behind your closed eyes that intoxication begins to take form, begins to make sense. Understanding forces your eyes open wide. This is good. This is very good. Your mind continues to weave and coalesce. Images force themselves to the front of your mind, they become sharp and clear.  YES!

You are a writer and this is proof! This is going to turn the world on fire! Damn this is good! You spend the next several hours organizing, deleting, extrapolating your brilliant idea. When you’re finally satisfied, you have a brief moment of panic: you should probably write this down. You were itching to get up and put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and record this for posterity. Because that is what’s going to happen. This is going to be extolled from the highest towers of publishing. Damn it’s good.

You look over at the clock feeling drained but exhilarated. 2, 4, 5.  Wait! What? It’s only been a few minutes! Your mind is spinning  and then the unthinkable happens. You are overcome with fatigue. Your eyes slowly begin to close. You struggle to keep them open and then convince yourself that your brilliance is far too bright to be forgotten. You will remember. The gentle fingers of sleep massage your temples and pull you deeper, deeper. You sleep.

And like water seeping through your fingertips. You cannot hold back the tide and you forget. When you finally awaken you remember the brilliance, you remember the incredible feeling of satisfaction and vindication but you forget the words. You desperately try to rewind your mind; you try to catch even a glimpse of that intoxication and you can’t. It’s gone. It fades like tendrils of fog and is whispered away on the wind to be remembered no more.

Welcome to my world.