Tag Archives: smile

    The Perfect Crime

 

                                       

How do you commit the perfect crime?  So many offences have come dangerously close to being perfect, it is frightening. Actually, there are many unsolved crimes that by virtue of the fact that the perpetrator has not been apprehended, it was a perfect crime.  But let’s talk about the perfect crime, the perfect murder.  How does someone commit a murder that no one knows about?  Would it have to appear to be an accident? Accidents happen all the time.  To garner the most out of committing such a crime, it would be important that there be a suspicion of murder but no proof, no witnesses, no accomplices. Nothing to tie the murder to the murderer.

                                       – A woman shoots an intruder (husband, oops

                                     – Normal teetotaler develops drinking problem (has witnesses) due to stress – wife problems.  Accidentally runs down and kills co-worker while intoxicated, who just happens to be sleeping with wife.  Accused didn’t know?  Swears off drink.

Are these perfect crimes?  No.  The accused may get off but they still go to court. It is still known that they did the crime; they are just able to prove extenuating circumstances.

The perfect crime would perplex the investigator.  No cause of death would be found perhaps, but the victim would be dead.

                                     – frighten someone with a weak heart to death

                                     – Tricking the victim into eating something they are allergic to – peanuts

Killing a stranger would be too easy.  It would have to be someone you know.  Someone whose death would allow you to benefit in some way.  So, our character list includes, a victim who has something to offer.  Revenge is not a good enough motive because it is not profitable.  If you are going to seek revenge you want the victim alive and aware of what you have done, legally.  They must have no recourse. Destroying someone is so much more satisfying than murder.  So, to commit a murder there must be a profit.  Something to make it worthwhile. Working on the premise you have a victim in mind, you need a method.  Motive lies with the victim.  You can’t choose a victim without a reason hence the motive.

 So, method.

                                  – Poison – traceable

                                  – Blunt instrument – messy

                                  – gun/knife – messy

                                 – Electrocution – requires some rudimentary understanding of electricity

Then you need an investigator who is not easily fooled.  It is so much more satisfying to have a worthy adversary.  And of course, we must not forget the murderer.  There must be no witnesses or chance of witnesses, no accomplices, no one to become a loose end.  No dates waiting to be picked up, no one who swears the victim had a pattern and would never deviate from it. Now it starts to get interesting.

Let us choose a hypothetical victim say, an elderly uncle who is very wealthy.  As the only living relative you would stand to inherit the works.  So, it becomes profitable. Unless the uncle really dislikes you and plans to leave everything to an animal shelter. No.  You have always had a relatively good relationship with the uncle.  Perhaps not close, but you do believe you are in his Will.  Do you take the risk that you are not? No. we will work on the assumption that you are in the Will. He has even mentioned it once or twice.

Ok. Now we have a victim and a motive.  A profitable one.  But you are not destitute.  You are not in a position of great need.  Too great a need places too many stresses on the enterprise and will lead to mistakes.  One mistake could be one too many.  No, you are preparing for the future.   Besides, it could make an arresting challenge. Pun intended.  A little humour helps to ease the stress.  After all this is a very serious subject.  Preparing for one’s future should never be taken lightly.

Are there stairs in your uncle’s home? A loose tread could cause a fatal fall.  If you set it up in advance, you probably would be far away from the accident.  Of course, there is no challenge in an accident.  No.  It must appear to be murder by someone unknown. A burglar? Too clichéd. A disgruntled ex-employee? Possible.  But no-one should be named. That entails someone else becoming involved. Too dangerous. Too many players. How about a single shot from a distance, late at night?  Very possible.  Can you shoot a gun?  You would be a suspect. And it is so messy.  Would you want to live in a house with a blood stain on the rug?  Of course, you would be rich enough to replace the rug.

When the investigators approach you, and they will, you are a relative, you must be shocked.  Watch your reactions, these people are trained observers. Don’t weep too much and certainly do not beat your chest, or pull your hair out.  Acknowledge the situation, tear up, choke up a little, not too much, and definitely sit down. Shake your head slightly. It would help to practice this scene, but never with an audience.  It should not appear to be studied.

Of course, you still have to work out how you plan to execute this deed.  Planning is everything.  Just be sure not to write anything down.  A written record really would be dumb.  Take your time and plan, plan, plan.

Oh, and one more thing.  While you were trying to work out the Most Efficient Means of dispatching your uncle, he succumbed to a massive heart-attack.  His funeral is next Thursday and the animal shelter wishes to acknowledge your uncle’s incredible generosity by giving you a puppy.  The licensing fee is $15.00.  Payable by cash or credit card.  Have a nice day.

The End

Context

 

As many of you know I love to listen in on other peoples’ conversations.  No, I don’t mean that I stalk individuals and listen illegally into their discussions. But I have been known to trail after an interesting couple simply to hear the rest of what they are saying. But allow me to give it some context. If you hear someone speaking about murdering another, you really want to know more.

We live in a society where everyone seems to have a mobile phone connected to their ear lobe. I cannot count the number of times I have been forced to speak up before a person runs into me simply because they’re paying attention to their phone and not what was in front of them. Ah, the joys of technology!

We can’t know exactly what someone else is talking about on the phone or in a text. We don’t know what that individual is dealing with. Is the text to a girlfriend/boyfriend explaining that they are pregnant, accepted into that prestigious law firm or asking for them to bring home milk?

We live in a society of tidbits. We hear snippets of a conversation walking down the street, often more than one. We are jostled by someone trying to get into the store and for a micro second we share a look. What is that person dealing with? Are they happy, sad, frustrated, suicidal, manic, murderous? We don’t know. And yet we often make judgments based on a split-second interaction. Tidbits.

No one seems to know the whole story about anything. The Media included. Politicians tell us what they think we want to hear.  Is there any truth in what they have to say? Possibly. Friends speak from the heart and sometimes tell you what you need to hear. But often they tell you what they believe will make you feel better.  What is the truth? And is the truth something that needs to be relayed all the time? I don’t think so. Let me give you a little context. A friend had convinced me to go to a new hairdresser. She was a Stylist from New York!   She had a very heady reputation and they could fit me in. I think I was supposed to be honored. When I entered her very luxurious salon I was asked if I wanted a Perrier. I did not. She then spent 15 minutes talking to me. She told me she wanted to know what kind of person I was so that she could give me the haircut I needed.  She spent quite a bit of time whipping my hair into… something? After I had forked over the national debt for a small country, I left. I don’t think she was terribly impressed with me. We didn’t speak.

I have never been to New York. I hear is a “happening” city.  Food, Fashion, Finance. The Holy F’s?  Perhaps the haircut I received was considered fashionable in the mecca that is considered Manhattan.  I don’t live in New York. I explained I was quite conservative and liked the simple things. My hair looked like it had been cut by an eight-year-old high on cocaine with dull scissors and a tick.  I wish I was kidding. My sister was getting married in a week. There would be pictures.

I went back to my regular hairdresser and pleaded with him to fix it. It became really short. Oh, and that very fashionable New York hairstylist? She moved on to more appropriate grounds.  Lesson learned. Context.

Dinner Plans

A Cornish hen doesn’t care about salt
Or roasting pans overheating.

A Dairy Cow has made new plans
That don’t involve her udders.

The chicken’s gone, it hitched a ride
Aboard a boat of cheese.

And next in line I’ve heard it said
The condiments are leaving.

Knives and forks and plates are staying
But oh so unencumbered.

The pizza left and donuts too
The shakes are starting off.

Vegetables are getting out
The fruits are right behind.

Your dinner plans may be on hold
The ingredients are striking!

Endlessly twisted

 

Deliciously creepy

ingenuously so.

Wicked surrounds us

from above and below.

 

The story is told

about this and of that.

Meandering journeys

of experiences pat.

 

But wait just a moment

something’s not tight.

A change unexpected

a twist to the right.

 

An unknown is coming

perhaps from behind.

An end yet unseen

a trick of the mind.

 

This story is done

a reader’s delight.

My interest was held

the ending just right.

 

I Was Abducted!

 

 

A few days ago, I was watching a documentary on sharks. I have always been fascinated by these creatures. They have been around, virtually unchanged, for millions of years. Homo Sapiens have only been around for approximately 200,000 years.  Depending on the scientist, it may be less.

This documentary showed a shark being examined, tested. It was caught and then taken out of the water by means of a platform that raised it up to where the scientists could reach it. It didn’t seem to be terribly happy about the situation but quite a few divers made sure it stayed put.  A hose through the gills helped it to continue breathing.

As a species we are curious.  We want to know why and how. We want to know everything about the creatures we share this planet with.  We document eating habits, mating habits, how they sleep, where they travel, their young . . . the list is endless.

As I watched the scientists taking blood samples, poking into orifices and attaching a tracking device to the animal, I wondered . . . It sounded eerily like a human recounting of their experience with an abduction!

I wonder what the shark did when he was released? Did he go and tell all his friends about his experience?

 

“Oh man you will never guess what happened to me! I was taken!”

“What are you talking about? Are you eating plankton again? You know, that stuff makes you see things that aren’t there.”

“No! No! It just happened this morning! They took me up to a ship, and, and, I was probed! I saw those creatures; you know the ones with black rubber skin and one big eye with two more behind it. They have got four appendages and they walk on two of them. They all look the same! And They were touching me!”

“Calm down.”

“Bob said he was abducted three weeks ago. I didn’t believe him. I do now! And I think they left a probe inside me, by my dorsal fin. Maybe they’re tracking me! Maybe they want to know where I am so they can pick me up again! I got to get out of here! I got to go somewhere where they can’t find me! I’m warning you . . . They could come for you next!”

“Nah, they were probably just seals. Look, plankton is not something you can eat on a regular basis.  It makes you hallucinate. I know you see some of the big guys eating it but you’re just not capable of holding your plankton.”

 

Kind

Simple word.  Easy to say. Maybe not so easy to do.  Oh wait!  What does it actually mean? Well, it means:  things that are similar as in the same kind of music, the same kind of people.  It also means to be nice, to be considerate or helpful. That is the tough one.

Kindness is not a fashion statement from a bygone era, it is not an archaic anachronism that has no place in modern society. It is the means by which we will survive and flourish. “Survival of the fittest!” was the battle cry from Darwin but he wasn’t the first to broach it.  As a bare concept it has merit.  Stronger organisms preclude extinction.  Except that is only the first step.

Few species survive alone.  Some do but even they must come together to procreate. If you look around at the rest, they are in groups. It is easier to find food, to raise young and for protection.  In order to survive as a species, there needs to be cooperation.

Kindness is a human concept we often attribute to the animal kingdom. Watch the tenderness elephants show to each other.  Along with the fierceness when the group is threatened. Watch adult lions play with their cubs.  We could learn a lot from observing that animal kingdom.  But we see ourselves as the apex predator, the boss.  We are not.  Individually we could be taken out by many creatures.  (and occasionally are!)  It is only our technology that gives us the upper hand.  And we don’t play fair.

We kill from a distance with powerful weapons or slowly by eroding habitat and poisoning the air and water.  We really don’t play fair.  One-on-one, we would lose. The animal kingdom has adapted itself for survival in the world.  We have adapted the world to suit us.

How we live in that world is how we will flourish.  Be kind.  We are all in this together.  There are those who believe in the survival of the fittest and they will die alone, as the fittest.  But it takes a village to raise a child, to have a life.  If all you want is the trophy, then take it.  We need to get back to living.

Weather related…

It really is too hot to think so I am using a piece I wrote in July 2013.  To be honest, we are experiencing almost the same weather this week!

We all know that a beautiful summer day makes us feel good.  We all know that a miserable rainy day can make us feel, well, miserable.  In my part of the country we have just come through a very bad week in terms of weather.  It was hot, hazy and humid!  In fact Wednesday was the hottest day with the humidex at 46°C/114.9°F!  For those of you who don’t live in a country where you regularly count the humidex it is simply a means by which they calculate how hot the humid air actually feels.  And I felt bloody hot!

I have also noticed, over the years, that people’s demeanour is strongly related to what is happening in our weather.  I suffer from migraines when the air pressure changes significantly.  When it is very cold I find people become short tempered and easily offended.  The same is usually true when it is humid and sticky outside.  No woman can feel attractive when she is sweating.  At least not the women I know.  Men however really don’t care.  Of course I’m generalizing!  There are more than 7 billion people in this world I have no idea how even a fraction of them feel.  But I know how I feel.

We have no control over the weather.  We think we can predict it, but even then it’s not 100% perfect.  And I don’t think we even have 70% control over our own reactions to the weather.  We like to think that as Homo sapiens we are in control of our lives and our surroundings.  The truth is significantly different!  We are creatures that are hostages to our emotions.  Men especially don’t like to admit that, but women know the truth.  The weather can wreck havoc with our judgment.  One grumpy person can ruin the day for any number of people.  And they might be grumpy simply because the weather is too hot or too cold or too windy or too calm.  We still haven’t learned how to control our emotions and our reactions to others’ emotions.

I once worked a midnight shift at a Police Department.  I was a civilian manning the computers.  On this particular Friday the 13th there was a full moon.  It was the busiest midnight I had ever worked as well as the craziest!  Now there are those who say that people are not affected by the weather or something as silly as the position of the moon.  After working that Friday the 13th I beg to differ!  I’m quite sure the statistics will prove that when it’s hot, hazy and humid burglaries are down and domestic assaults are up.  It all has to do with the weather.

I am not a scientist and I do not have concrete statistics to back up my beliefs, but I’ll bet there are reports out there that will confirm what I believe.  So the next time it’s hot, hazy and humid don’t annoy your neighbour.  And have a nice day!